Unfriendly Takeover at OzCo

AN URGENT LETTER FROM SANTA CLAUS: Dear Aging Children: You and I both know that in your heart of hearts you still believe in me...or how could I continue to exist? That's precisely the existential threat I face when a Reality Plague begins infecting the entire Land of Imagination, threatening to overwhelm us with rotten reality and extinguish fantasy altogether, turning Earth into a dull, gray place. Like Kansas! This fantaphage might even be the villainous nemesis behind OzCo's attempted annexation of the North Pole. My first, last and only hope is to import a hero to fight the mysterious new Wizard of OzCo's hostile takeover attempt and the diabolical darkness behind it. Too bad the only help I could conscript is an imagination-deficient corporate lawyer. Sure, he's skilled in takeover strategies and how to block them. Sure, he was exposed in his youth to all the same in fairy tales you all were, like Barrie and Carroll and Baum (oh my!), and he's familiar with Jung's Active Imagination and Campbell's Hero's Journey. But does he possess the proper hero's skill set necessary to save our entire dimension? No one has much faith in his ability to wrest success — not Merlin, not Ozma, not even any of the iconic characters of Oz: Scarecrow, Woodman, and Lion.

Thus, dear reader, I must petition you for your help. We fantasy figures exist only through the beneficent bestowal of your attention upon us, and only your continued attention can ensure our continued existence. To that end, you're invited to join in this epic comic fantasy adventure. Is there drama? Of course. Comedy? To be sure. Love? Absolutely! Death? Well…what would a fairy tale be without death? But mostly there's humor and a multitude of misadventures occurring between Once Upon a Time and the inevitable (fingers crossed) Happily Ever After.

I know many of you have at one time or another harbored a secret desire to inhabit a fantasyland. But what do you think would actually happen to you if you were suddenly thrust into one? Find out by riding along with our hapless hero as he endures an often comic – and occasionally agonizing – education in how fantasy really works.

If I still haven't convinced you, let's let our reluctant hero himself give it a shot:

I blame Santa. He's the one who kidnapped me from Earth into the Realm of the Imagination to fight a hostile takeover of his mom and pop operation by the aggressive OzCo and its sinister Wizard. I might be an expert in takeover strategies and defenses against them, but what do I know about Wonderland, Neverland, Oz, and all the rest? On Earth, fantasy worlds were an escape. Now I'm stuck in one and I can't escape.

Seriously, how am I supposed to fight a foe whose primary weapon is a dark magic that extinguishes imagination and creativity? I can conscript Dorothy's trio for assistance, but chances are they'll be no help at all, considering that a century after their Big Adventure, they've got their own existential crises to deal with. So I have to wrestle with that as well.

Maybe I've been drafted into an archetypal Hero's Journey, but I'm hardly prepared for one: I'm just an Average Joe, not an exceptional Joe Campbell. Bad enough that I'm a reluctant hero. But when I discover I'm not even the White Knight they'd convinced me I was, but just a pawn in a much larger and much darker game, you can probably understand why I'm not too keen to go on another Baumdamn quest. But I will if you will.